Loving yourself

Just writing this heading makes me cringe a bit. I love its essence, but it’s been made so complicated, at least in my head. It is such a hot topic, and you see it everywhere on social media, in different forms. Loving your outer and inner self.

My mom read Louise Hay’s books and stumbled upon the mirror exercise: standing in front of the mirror saying, “Sofie (your own name), I love you.” I HATED IT! I couldn’t do it. I laughed. I looked away. It was a really unpleasant experience. She could see how I struggled, and she asked if I would like to try while a towel covered my face. Then I managed to say the words. Such a weird situation saying those words to the inside of a towel. I felt like I failed, and I didn’t want to get any nearer to that exercise again. At that time, I thought loving yourself meant liking my appearance, and I liked some of it, but I also hated other parts. I was dancing a lot back then, and I was pursuing my dream to become a professional dancer. But all the dancers who got the jobs, and the first row during shows, were thin. Thighs shouldn’t touch each other, and mine did. I became over-focused on my thighs! When I went for runs, I would look down and hate what I saw because my thighs touched each other. The costumes were made for the thin thigh girls, so when I tried the those and my thighs were too big, the hate towards them just grew!

Loving my inner self seemed even more impossible. Why should I? My instant reaction was: that’s just stupid. What do I love about me? Hmm… Am I generous? Hmm, I’m trying to be. Am I kind? Not always. Am I brave? Sometimes. Hmm! I’m a little bit of many good and bad things. I am doing just fine without this crap. I thought loving yourself maybe meant being selfish and self-centered, and I didn’t want to be those things.

When I visited India the first time to get Ayurvedic treatments, I met the leader of the place, Vijay. He’s an Ayurvedic doctor. He is the most generous soul I’ve ever met. I was amazed by his ability to give so much to all his patients, including me. Every morning, he came into the treatments, being present, extremely embracing, and happy. He wasn’t faking anything! You get this special feeling in his presence. At that time, I was working as a physiotherapist in a private company, and I felt so drained from trying to help people all day long. I asked him: Where does all your loving energy to others come from? How can you be so happy? So cheerful? He answered: Sofie. I love myself 99.999999999 (continued for some time) % myself. And then I love others. You only see 0.000001% of my love, ‘cause the rest goes to me. I thought to myself: Oh no! Not this crap about loving yourself again!

But I realized how much he must be loving himself if I only see 0.01% of the love! Hearing him saying this made me believe that “loving yourself” is not just a trendy subject. There must be something about it since he’s saying it. Energies don’t lie, and Vijay’s energy is spectacular, so I chose to take his advice.

His son, Achu, said one day that we should keep asking yourself the question - who am I - our entire life. To me, that question is really fluffy. Who am I? Hmm. I asked him if he knows who he is, and he answered that he keeps investigating this. I’ve been asking myself that question now and then. Who am I? I know that I am not any of the material things I own. I am not my body. My accomplishments. My failures. My childhood. My qualities. My limitations. These things are a part of me, but not who I am. I am a lot of things. And I accept what I am and what I am not. I have a good and shy heart. I have good intentions. I am a friendly soul. I am also an over-thinker. I am questioning a lot of things, and sometimes making things hard for myself. But now I admit these things to myself. I accept my current qualities and limitations, and I know they’ll keep changing. My entire life, I’ll keep changing. For example, I’ve had periods in my life where I was very outgoing, but right now I am very shy. There is nothing wrong with any of those things. I don’t judge myself as much anymore! That helps me, liking me. I actually like me even though I’m not what I thought I was. Or what I dreamt of. But I know it’ll keep changing. If I “just” follow my authentic self, it’ll be like a dance through storms and sun. All of my problems start when I think things shall be different than they are. I should be feeling another way than I do. I should know this by now. I should be doing this by now. NO, I SHOULDN’T! I should start letting go of this and embracing my qualities and limitations! Right here, right now! Nothing should be different than it is. Saying this to myself creates more space inside of me. It becomes easier to be me. More friendly inside. Letting go of what I wish was here. And letting in what IS right here. All the beauty and all the crap. Hello beauty and hello crap. I am here, and I won't turn my cheek. This is the things that have helped me, like myself. And liking myself makes me actually really happy! Liking my disabilities makes me happy! I was not supposed to have all qualities of the world. An innocent example: I still get really annoyed if I have to clean up after my roomies, and I still have a hard time saying that they should remember to clean up after themselves. But it’s okay. This is one of my limitations. Hello limitation! You are still here, and I accept it. And from that standing point, I can start challenging this limitations: Why do I get nervous when I have to say something that can potentially annoy others?

Okay let’s get back on track about loving myself:

The days after I wrote this, my period hit me. Damn. Liking myself? Not so much! I felt so lazy, so inefficient, so indecisive! Started zooming out and thinking, “Why did society make laziness a bad thing?” Why do we have to do things every day to feel good about ourselves? That is crazy, man. The paradox is that I’ve been really good at doing nothing for a long time now, but it’s still one of the things I have a hard time accepting mentally! Thoughts appear like “what are they thinking of me?”, “that I just ended here?”, “that I’m unsuitable to work?”. Auch, those questions really hurt. I physically feel the pain in my chest asking myself these questions. I’ve been observing myself when I walk around on the street or grocery shopping. What does my body language say? On bad days, a part of me is excusing myself. Damn Sofie! Stop! You deserve so much more than excusing for yourself, just because you don’t do it (life) the traditionally western way. Before entering this phase, I thought I had pretty good self-esteem, but being here, without the labels, takes balls to be proud of.

It takes courage to do things differently than society expects, and it takes even more courage to do so while believing in yourself! Believing in yourself even when you're unsure of the path ahead. I have precious people who support me, but I haven't found anyone who has undergone a similar journey. Not having someone who resonates with this process in every fiber of their being has made me feel very lonely, despite living with multiple people physically.

So.
I am liking myself more than I ever have. I'm trusting myself more than ever before. And yet, I still question myself. I still feel small.

How did the subject end up here?

Even though I don't enjoy experiencing these emotions, it doesn't mean that I don't like myself. In fact, these emotions have actually amplified my compassion for others who are going through similar struggles. And that is a gift I will carry with me throughout my life. When I see people with pain in their eyes, I can empathize with them deeply. I know. I understand. And I am right here.

I heard this one time: I love you, simply because you exist.
Not because of anything else! Just because you exist.

Every single life is worth the same. When I was a kid I converted that point into imagining that my classmates had the same height. Haha.
I like the advice: No one should ever make you feel small.

Some weeks ago I “forgot” all of this. I was truly challenged by a relative who asks me the following questions:
- So what is your plans for the next weeks?
- You know, it is good to learn something. It is good to have hobbies. It’s good to train your brain.
- Do you even want to work?
- You should start doing something, just something. You are not getting any wiser by not doing anything.
- Welcome to the adult world, were you have to do things you don’t always want.

I burst into tears, as the person left. I felt like I’ve been droven over by a bull dozer. I felt very small. Actually, I felt like a zero. I was so angry that I didn’t stand up for myself and stopped explaining myself. I don’t need to explain anything to anyone, if I don’t want to. Simple as that. I realized how I still meassure my worth on my accomplichments, otherwise these questions wouldn’t have hit me that hard.
Sofie, keep remember that you are already everything that you need to be. Keep moving from your core. Not from outside factors! Not to prove anything to anyone! Keep acknowledge that you a worth just as much as the boss of Novo Nordisk and the homeless person under the bridge. It doesn’t f*cking matter! *Exceause my language.

What matter is your intensions. I love myself because I know I have good intensions wereever I go. I love myself because I am trying my best everyday to be authentic and honest! Way to go Sofie! (high fiving myself).