Repetitive themes

Over the last year, I’ve noticed some themes that seem to reappear over and over again in different forms. This year, I found myself thinking: why does this keep happening to me? So I knew there was a lesson I needed to learn.

One of them is boundary-breaking men. Drunk men. Men that make me feel small. Men that make me question myself. Men that manipulate me into thinking they are saying these things “for my own good.”

But why did I ever give them the right to make me feel that way?

I love men! This is a handful of men among all the men I’ve met in my life! But they’ve had a really strong impact on me, and I’ve needed a lot of time to recover from these experiences.

Last year, I had some “in your face” experiences that really opened my eyes to this pattern.

On my journey towards living an authentic life, I have a lot of questions. What and how can I earn money in a genuine way? What can I offer? Is this or that right for me? I sought help from people whom I thought would have the answers on my behalf. So I guru-lize people who I think are more spiritual or wise than I am. They must know, right? Oh dear. No, they don’t. Not all of them.

As soon as I place them a bit above my own worth, I’ve given away my power. I believe they only want to help me and have good intentions. But they are just human too, often with their own demons.

I’ve found myself in situations where I’ve been so confused that I’ve been physically abused. I’ve been told that I’m not good enough in many ways. I’m too much, I’m too “little,” vulnerable—please take care of yourself. People start coaching me without my consent to do so. No wonder I get confused! I’ve learned the hard way that no matter how much you adore someone and think that all they are saying is for your own good, it’s never for your own good if they leave you feeling small and insecure. If it feels wrong, then IT IS WRONG, no matter WHO does it.

Then I ask myself: Is it because I have a hard time taking in critique? Constructive critique is not the same as being left with the feeling of being small and insecure. It’s never constructive critique to be called names.

It all comes back to me thinking someone else knows my answers. In that moment, I give away the trust in myself. The trust that I know what is best for me. The trust that I have the ability to figure it out. This comes from the perception, “I’m not whole until I know this, this, and that.” Bullshit! I am already whole.

I am already whole.

You are already whole.

As we are.

Right now.

Even though you might not feel like it.

Your situation may not be fulfilling for your soul/body/mind, but you are already whole right now. Don’t mix the unsatisfied feeling with the truth.

As I write this, I feel so much anger. So many hidden reactions from these situations. I’ve taken back my power after the situation is over, and I feel what I couldn’t feel in the moment. Okay. Hi anger! I’m proud to have you here, because what happened was not fair! I should be mad! The only job I have right now is to embrace how I feel. No resistance. No avoidance. Let it pass. Nothing is permanent. Neither is this anger!

So… I’ve started to notice these things, and I feel freaking proud when I can stop and say, “Hey, thanks for your advice, but I actually know what is right for me.” Even though I don’t have the answers yet, I believe that I can figure it out. If you are a pleaser, you know how it almost feels impossible to say these words.

It’s so unfair how the most vulnerable people end up in these situations. Maybe they don’t even notice that that’s what’s happening. These pure souls don’t fake anything or act like they know, but people take advantage of them. Not always on purpose.

I continuously ask myself: does this place, this person, this group make me feel like I’m already amazing as I am, or do they make me feel insecure, wrong, small?

I am open to growing with the light, not with destructiveness.